Talking to Family About Your Faith Journey
Navigating Difficult Conversations with Love and Wisdom
Few things are harder than telling your LDS family that you're leaving the church, or that you've already left. The fear of rejection, disappointment, and damaged relationships can be paralyzing. Some people delay the conversation for years. Others blurt it out in a moment of frustration and regret how it went.
This article won't make those conversations easy. But it can help you approach them with wisdom, compassion, and realistic expectations.
Before You Say Anything
Check Your Motives
Why do you want to have this conversation? Be honest with yourself.
Good reasons:
- You want to live authentically and not hide who you are
- You want to maintain honest relationships with people you love
- You need to set boundaries around church participation
- You want to share something meaningful that's happened in your life
Less helpful reasons:
- You want to prove you're right and they're wrong
- You're angry and want them to feel it
- You want to convince them to leave too
- You feel obligated to explain yourself to everyone
If your primary motive is to win an argument or vent frustration, consider waiting until you're in a healthier place.
Know What You Want to Accomplish
What's your goal for this conversation? Realistic goals might include:
- Informing them of your decision
- Asking for their support (even if they disagree)
- Setting boundaries about church-related topics
- Maintaining the relationship despite differences
Unrealistic goals:
- Getting their approval or agreement
- Convincing them you're right
- Having them understand completely
- Avoiding all conflict or hurt feelings
Prepare for Their Response
Your family members will likely experience their own grief, fear, and confusion. From their perspective, you're not just leaving a church; you're jeopardizing your eternal salvation and family relationships.
Common reactions include:
| Reaction | What It Might Look Like |
|---|---|
| Shock | Silence, disbelief, "I had no idea" |
| Grief | Tears, mourning, treating it like a death |
| Anger | Accusations, raised voices, blame |
| Fear | Concerns about your eternal destiny, your children |
| Denial | "This is just a phase," "You'll come back" |
| Bargaining | Offering to study together, meet with the bishop |
| Rejection | Distancing, cutting contact, shunning |
Not everyone will react the same way. Some family members may surprise you with acceptance; others may react worse than expected. Prepare for a range of responses.
Having the Conversation
Choose the Right Time and Place
- In person if possible: This is too important for text or email
- Private setting: Not at a family gathering or holiday dinner
- When you're calm: Not in the heat of an argument
- When they can process: Not right before a big event or stressful time
Start with Love
Begin by affirming your love and the relationship:
"I want to talk to you about something important. Before I do, I want you to know how much I love you and value our relationship. That's not going to change."
Be Clear but Not Combative
State your position simply without attacking their beliefs:
Instead of: "I've discovered the church is a fraud and Joseph Smith was a con man."
Try: "After a lot of study and prayer, I've come to a different understanding of my faith. I'm no longer attending the LDS church."
Instead of: "I can't believe you still believe this stuff."
Try: "I know we see things differently now, and I respect that you have your own journey."
Share Your Story, Not Your Arguments
People connect with stories more than arguments. Share your experience:
- What led you to question
- What your journey has been like
- Where you are now spiritually
- How this has affected you emotionally
Avoid turning it into a debate about church history or doctrine. If they ask questions, you can answer briefly, but keep the focus on your personal experience.
Listen More Than You Speak
Give them space to respond. Ask questions:
- "How are you feeling about what I've shared?"
- "What questions do you have?"
- "What concerns you most?"
Really listen. Don't just wait for your turn to talk. Their feelings are valid, even if their conclusions are different from yours.
Set Boundaries Kindly
You may need to establish boundaries:
"I'm happy to talk about my faith journey, but I'm not interested in debating or being convinced to come back. Can we agree to respect each other's paths?"
"I'd prefer if we didn't discuss church every time we're together. Can we focus on other parts of our relationship?"
"I love you, but I need you to stop sending me church talks and articles. It feels like you're not accepting my decision."
Boundaries aren't walls; they're guidelines that help relationships survive differences.
Don't Expect Resolution in One Conversation
This is the beginning of a process, not a one-time event. Your family will need time to process. The first conversation might go poorly, but relationships can heal over time.
After the Conversation
Give Them Space to Grieve
Your family is experiencing loss: the loss of their vision for your eternal family, the loss of shared beliefs, the loss of who they thought you were. Let them grieve without taking it personally.
Stay Consistent
Show them through your actions that you're still the same person they love. Be kind, reliable, and present. Over time, many family members soften when they see you're not becoming a different person.
Don't Retaliate
If they say hurtful things, try not to respond in kind. Hurt people hurt people. Responding with grace (even when it's hard) keeps the door open for future reconciliation.
Maintain Connection
Keep showing up for family events (when healthy to do so). Call, text, visit. Don't let the relationship wither because of awkwardness.
Accept What You Can't Control
You cannot control how they respond. You can only control how you show up. Some relationships will survive and even deepen. Others may remain strained. A few may break entirely. This is painful, but it's not your fault for being honest about your journey.
Special Situations
When You're a Minor Living at Home
If you're under 18 and dependent on your parents, the calculus is different. You may need to:
- Wait until you're independent to have the full conversation
- Attend church to keep peace while privately processing your beliefs
- Find safe outlets (online communities, trusted friends) to process
Your safety and wellbeing come first. It's okay to wait.
When Your Spouse Is Still Believing
Mixed-faith marriages are incredibly challenging. Key principles:
- Prioritize the marriage: Your relationship is more important than being right
- Seek counseling: A therapist experienced with faith transitions can help
- Find compromises: Maybe you attend sometimes; maybe they go alone
- Respect their journey: Don't try to deconvert them
- Be patient: Many couples navigate this successfully, but it takes time
When You Have Children
Decisions about children's religious upbringing should be made together with your spouse (if applicable). Consider:
- What will you teach them about your beliefs?
- Will they attend church? With whom?
- How will you handle questions they ask?
- How will you respond to pressure from extended family?
There's no one-size-fits-all answer. What matters is that you and your co-parent are on the same page.
When Family Members Cut You Off
Some families practice informal shunning. If this happens:
- Grieve the loss: This is a real rejection; let yourself feel it
- Leave the door open: Let them know you love them and are available when they're ready
- Build other support: You need community; find it elsewhere
- Consider professional help: A therapist can help you process family rejection
A Long-Term Perspective
Family relationships after a faith transition often follow a pattern:
- Initial crisis: Shock, conflict, intense emotions
- Adjustment period: Awkwardness, avoidance of topics, testing boundaries
- New normal: Finding ways to relate that don't center on church
- Potential deepening: Some relationships become more authentic over time
This process can take months or years. Be patient with yourself and with them.
What the Bible Says
The Bible acknowledges that faith can divide families:
"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn 'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother.'" (Matthew 10:34-35)
Jesus wasn't celebrating family division; He was acknowledging that following Him sometimes costs us our closest relationships. This has been true for believers throughout history.
But the Bible also calls us to pursue peace:
"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18)
Notice the qualifiers: "if it is possible" and "as far as it depends on you." You can't force peace. You can only do your part.
You're Not Alone
Thousands of people have navigated these conversations. Some have seen relationships restored; others have had to grieve permanent breaks. Whatever happens, you're not alone.
If you need support, encouragement, or just someone to talk to who understands, we're here.
We're Here for You
Use the "Talk to Someone" button below to connect with someone who can walk with you through this difficult season.
All Scripture quotations are from the New International Version (NIV) unless otherwise noted.