One of the hardest parts of leaving the LDS Church isn't the theological questions or even the loss of community. It's the conversation you know you need to have with the people you love most: your family.
How do you tell your parents that you no longer believe what they raised you to believe? How do you explain to siblings that you won't be in the celestial kingdom with them? How do you help your extended family understand that this isn't about being offended, lazy, or wanting to sin?
This article offers guidance for that conversation, whether you're preparing for it, in the middle of it, or trying to repair relationships afterward. It's not a script to follow but a framework for communicating with love, honesty, and wisdom.
Before the Conversation: Preparing Your Heart
Before you say a word to your family, take time to prepare internally. The way you approach this conversation will shape how it unfolds.
Examine Your Motives
Ask yourself honestly: Why am I having this conversation? Good reasons include wanting to be authentic with people you love, ending the exhaustion of pretending, and inviting your family into your real life. Less helpful motives include wanting to prove you're right, hoping to deconvert your family, or seeking their approval for your choices.
You can share your journey without needing your family to agree with it. In fact, releasing that expectation will make the conversation much healthier.
Process Your Own Emotions First
If you're still in the angry phase of your faith transition, you might want to wait before having this conversation. Raw anger, even when justified, rarely communicates well. This doesn't mean you need to be completely healed or have all your emotions resolved. It means being far enough along that you can speak from a place of relative calm rather than reactive pain.
Consider talking with a therapist, trusted friend, or faith transition support group before approaching your family. Having processed your emotions elsewhere means you won't need your family to be your emotional support during the conversation.
Anticipate Their Perspective
Try to imagine how this news will land for your family members. For believing Latter-day Saints, learning that a loved one has left the Church can feel like:
A death: They may grieve the eternal family they believed they would have. In their worldview, you've chosen to separate yourself from them forever.
A failure: Parents especially may wonder what they did wrong. They may replay your childhood looking for where they failed to instill a strong enough testimony.
A threat: Your departure may trigger their own doubts, which can feel terrifying. They may need to push back hard to protect their own faith.
A betrayal: If your family sacrificed significantly for the Church, they may feel you're rejecting not just the faith but them and everything they stand for.
Understanding these reactions doesn't mean you're responsible for them, but it helps you respond with compassion rather than defensiveness.
Choosing the Right Time and Setting
The logistics of this conversation matter more than you might think.
One-on-One vs. Group
Consider whether to tell family members individually or together. Individual conversations allow you to tailor your approach to each person and give them space to react without performing for others. However, telling people separately means having the conversation multiple times and risking that family members will discuss it before you've talked to everyone.
There's no universally right answer. Some people tell their parents first, then siblings. Others gather everyone together. Consider your family dynamics and what feels most respectful.
In Person vs. Written
In-person conversations allow for immediate dialogue, clarification, and connection. However, they also put you on the spot and can escalate quickly if emotions run high.
A written letter gives you control over your words and gives your family time to process before responding. It can be especially helpful if you tend to get flustered in difficult conversations or if your family tends toward heated arguments.
Some people combine approaches: sending a letter first, then following up with an in-person conversation after family members have had time to process.
Timing Considerations
Avoid major holidays, family celebrations, or times of stress. Don't ambush family members when they're exhausted or distracted. Choose a time when you can have an uninterrupted conversation and when emotions are relatively stable.
Also consider your own timing. Don't have this conversation right before a major life event where you'll need family support, or when you're already dealing with other significant stressors.
What to Say: A Framework
Every family and situation is different, but here's a general framework for structuring the conversation.
Start with Love
Begin by affirming your love for your family and your desire to be honest with them. Something like:
"I'm sharing this with you because I love you and want to be authentic in our relationship. This isn't easy for me to say, and I know it may not be easy to hear, but I respect you too much to keep pretending."
Starting with love sets the tone and reminds everyone that this conversation is happening because the relationship matters, not despite it.
Share Your Journey, Not Just Your Conclusions
Rather than simply announcing "I don't believe anymore," help your family understand how you got here. Share the questions you wrestled with, the study you did, the prayers you offered, and the process you went through. This helps them see that your decision wasn't casual or impulsive.
You might say something like:
"For the past several years, I've been studying and praying about some difficult questions. I've read Church history, studied the scriptures, and genuinely sought answers. This wasn't a decision I made lightly or quickly. After a lot of thought and prayer, I've come to a different understanding of faith than I was raised with."
Be Honest but Not Exhaustive
You don't need to share every issue that contributed to your faith transition. In fact, listing all your concerns can overwhelm your family and shift the conversation into debate mode. Share enough to help them understand your journey, but don't feel obligated to justify every conclusion.
It's okay to say: "There are many factors that contributed to this, and I'm happy to discuss them over time if you're interested. But the main thing I want you to know today is where I am and that I love you."
Clarify What Hasn't Changed
Your family may fear that leaving the Church means you've abandoned all your values or become a completely different person. Reassure them about what remains constant:
"I still believe in God. I still value family. I still try to live with integrity and kindness. I still love you and want to be part of your lives. My beliefs about some things have changed, but my core values and my love for you haven't."
Address Their Likely Concerns
Anticipate and address common concerns proactively:
"Were you offended?": "This isn't about being offended by anyone. I've had wonderful experiences with many Church members. This is about my sincere beliefs after careful study."
"Did you want to sin?": "I'm not leaving to live a different lifestyle. I still hold the same moral values I always have. This is about what I believe is true, not about wanting to do things the Church prohibits."
"Did you stop praying/reading scriptures?": "Actually, I've studied more intensely during this process than ever before. I've prayed sincerely for guidance. This conclusion came through seeking, not through neglect."
"What about our eternal family?": "I know this is painful. I don't have all the answers about eternity. But I believe that a loving God cares about our family and that our love for each other matters. I'm trusting God with questions I can't fully answer."
Set Boundaries with Kindness
You may need to establish some boundaries for the ongoing relationship:
"I'm happy to discuss my beliefs if you're genuinely curious, but I'm not interested in being a project or having every conversation turn into a debate. I respect your faith and ask that you respect my journey."
"I'd prefer not to receive Church materials or have missionaries sent to my home. I know that comes from love, but it doesn't feel respectful of where I am."
"I'm still happy to attend family events at the Church building, but I won't be participating in ordinances or bearing testimony."
End with Hope
Close the conversation by expressing hope for the relationship:
"I know this is a lot to process, and I don't expect you to be okay with it right away. I just want you to know that I love you, I'm still me, and I hope we can navigate this together. Our relationship matters more to me than being right."
What Not to Say
Some approaches tend to make the conversation harder:
Don't attack the Church: Even if you have strong negative feelings about the LDS Church, leading with criticism puts your family on the defensive. Focus on your journey rather than the institution's problems.
Don't attack their faith: Saying things like "I can't believe you still believe that" or "How can you ignore the evidence?" will damage the relationship without changing their minds.
Don't issue ultimatums: "Accept me or lose me" rarely produces the acceptance you're hoping for. Give your family time and space to process.
Don't expect immediate understanding: Your faith transition took months or years. Your family won't process it in one conversation. Be patient with their timeline.
Don't apologize for your beliefs: You can be kind and respectful without being apologetic. You have the right to your own spiritual journey.
After the Conversation: Navigating the Aftermath
The initial conversation is just the beginning. Here's how to navigate what comes next.
Give Space for Grief
Your family may need to grieve. Let them. Don't try to talk them out of their sadness or convince them they shouldn't feel that way. Their grief is real, even if you see the situation differently.
You might say: "I understand this is painful for you. I'm sorry for the hurt this causes. Take whatever time you need."
Don't Expect Immediate Resolution
Some family relationships recover quickly. Others take years. Some may never fully heal. You can't control the outcome, only your own behavior. Keep showing up with love and consistency, even when it's hard.
Maintain Boundaries Consistently
If you set boundaries, maintain them kindly but firmly. If family members send Church materials after you asked them not to, gently remind them of your request. If conversations keep turning into debates, it's okay to change the subject or end the conversation.
Look for Common Ground
Find ways to connect that don't center on religious differences. Shared hobbies, family traditions, and simple quality time can maintain relationships while theological discussions remain difficult.
Consider Family Therapy
If relationships remain strained, a family therapist (ideally one familiar with faith transitions) can help facilitate healthier communication. This isn't a sign of failure; it's a sign of commitment to the relationship.
A Biblical Perspective on Family and Faith
As you navigate this difficult terrain, some biblical principles may offer guidance:
Jesus acknowledged that faith can divide families: "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother" (Matthew 10:34-35). Jesus wasn't celebrating family division, but acknowledging that following truth sometimes creates it.
Honor your parents without obeying in everything: The command to honor parents (Exodus 20:12) doesn't mean agreeing with them on all matters of faith. You can honor your parents by treating them with respect, maintaining relationship, and valuing their role in your life, even while holding different beliefs.
Love is the greatest commandment: "Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another" (John 13:34). Whatever else happens, keep love at the center. Love doesn't mean agreeing or pretending. It means treating others with dignity, patience, and genuine care.
Leave room for the Holy Spirit: You can't control how your family responds or whether they'll eventually understand. But you can trust that God is at work in their lives just as He's been at work in yours. Pray for them, love them, and leave the results to God.
Sample Letter Framework
If you choose to write a letter, here's a basic framework you can adapt:
Dear [Family Member],
I'm writing because I love you and want to be honest with you about something important. This isn't easy for me to share, and I know it may not be easy to read, but our relationship matters too much for me to keep pretending.
Over the past [time period], I've been on a spiritual journey that has led me away from the LDS Church. This wasn't a sudden decision or something I took lightly. I've studied, prayed, and wrestled deeply with difficult questions. After much thought and seeking, I've come to different conclusions about faith than I was raised with.
I want you to know what hasn't changed: I still believe in God. I still value family. I still love you deeply. I still want to be part of your life and have you in mine. My beliefs about some things have shifted, but my love for you and my core values remain.
I'm not asking you to agree with my conclusions or to change your own beliefs. I'm simply asking for your understanding that this is my sincere journey, made in good faith. I hope we can continue to love each other across our differences.
I know this may bring up difficult emotions, and I want to give you space to process. I'm here when you're ready to talk, and I'm committed to our relationship regardless of where this conversation leads.
With love, [Your name]
A Word of Encouragement
Telling your LDS family about your faith transition is one of the hardest things you may ever do. There's no way to guarantee a good outcome, and the fear of rejection is real.
But living authentically matters. Pretending to believe something you don't, hiding a fundamental part of who you are, and performing faith for your family's comfort all take a toll on your mental health and your relationships. The short-term pain of honesty often leads to long-term health.
Some families respond better than expected. Some relationships deepen through the honesty. Some family members eventually follow their own faith transitions and thank you for going first.
Other families respond poorly, at least initially. Some relationships remain strained for years. Some family members may never fully accept your decision.
You can't control the outcome. You can only control how you show up: with love, honesty, patience, and grace. Do that, and trust God with the rest.
You are not alone in this. Thousands have walked this path before you. There is life and love and hope on the other side.
If you'd like to talk with someone about navigating family relationships during a faith transition, we're here to listen. Use the "Talk to Someone" button below to connect with us.
References and Further Reading
- All Scripture quotations are from the New International Version (NIV) unless otherwise noted.
- Matthew 10:34-39, Jesus on family and faith
- 1 Peter 3:15-16, speaking truth with gentleness and respect